This is simply not done. It’s almost as bad as wearing face paint. In the same vein, anyone who coughs, shouts during rallies, applauds unforced errors, or suffers intrusive heart attacks during a point will deservedly attract the wrath of seasoned Wimbledon-goers.
Oh I say! No! There are many things you are allowed to forget about with only minor repercussions, like birthdays and wedding anniversaries. But never, ever forget that the server’s score is always announced first.
You will be expected to know a grass court from a clay court unless you want to exhibit the keen tennis knowledge of a Tunisian dung-beetle. Wimbledon is the only grand slam tournament still played on grass. Never suggest that it might be otherwise.
Federer has recently engaged the previously acclaimed master of tennis sportsmanship, Stefan Edberg, as his coach. Together, they are so nice, fair, and so utterly decent, you might be forgiven for thinking that they lack the killer instinct. Don’t be fooled.
Wimbledon and heavy precipitation are indivisible. Welcome the inevitable deluge like an old friend, but never encourage Sir Cliff Richard to sing through it.
The Bluffer’s Guide to Tennis is published May 15th 2014. The eBook is available for Kindle and iPad at Amazon.co.uk and iBookstore (RRP £4.99). The print edition is available through www.bluffers.com and all good book and gift shops (RRP £6.99)
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BIOGRAPHY: Marcus Rashford